Why I took the summer off from Facebook

   The time: June 2012. The place: St John, USVI.
   I'm in an island paradise, sipping a drink, staring at this four-foot-long iguana staring back at me, and instead of thinking, Wow. What a cool creature. Or, I'm a lucky girl. Or [Zen lack of thoughts, Be Here Now]," I'm thinking, I can't believe the wireless is down! I need to get a photo of this on Facebook, stat!
   And then I said: "Facebook, I need a break. It's not you, it's me." Four reasons:

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1. A GOOD TIME, DEFERRED.
        Instead of soaking up paradise, my brain space is in POSTING about soaking up paradise. And that, doodles, is problematic. Because --
   
   
2. WHO'S IT ALL FOR, ANYWAY?
        The thing I love about Facebook is that, in a single post, I can connect with my best friend from Kindergarten (that's you, Loop), my college housemate (holla, Wolpert), and my current across-the-street neighbors (what up, Wegerzyns?).
        The thing that's dangerous, for me, about Facebook, is that I sit on a Caribbean island and think about sharing it with my best friend from Kindergarten, my college housemate, and my across-the-street neighbors. Meanwhile I'm missing the point of being on vacation, which is Be Here Now and relax and laugh with my family (notice that I haven't even mentioned them yet? Yeah, they were there. Thus the danger of Facebook.) and be, you know, in the moment. Which leads me to danger number three:
   
   
3. HIGHLIGHT REEL VS. BEHIND THE SCENES FOOTAGE.
        Another frightening thing about Facebook is --for people like me, who fall victim to the tenth circle of hell, aka: Comparing Yourself To Others-- how, in one check of FB, you are the most boring and lame person on the planet. (My husband, being a generally mentally healthier person than me, does not have this problem. I aspire to his level of normalcy.)
        Wow -- your baby got kissed by Michelle Obama?! Fantastic! You just spent four weeks in Amsterdam? Cool! Your first novel just won the National Book Award? Yay! You just had your third beautiful child in three years, without so much as an ibuprofen for a headache? I'm so happy for you!
        No really. I'm --- I'm really happy for you.
        And yes, I'm as guilty of it as the next person - posting cool highlights. And comparing myself to others.
        Anyhoo, full disclosure -- I'm writing this while I sit here in my sweat pants, chugging my second cup of coffee, answering emails and contemplating how I'm going to get my kid to do his schoolwork. And how dirty the kitchen is. And how I need to get a ton of work done before I make some lame attempt at "research" by watching Die Hard while I do the same workout DVD I did yesterday. And the day before. And the day before.
        The thing is, as my cousin pointed out (great pictures of your beautiful kids with that baboon in Thailand, by the way, Steph): you are comparing your behind-the-scenes footage with everyone else's highlight reel.
        And holy crap. I just did it again, posting that cool picture of the iguana. Dang. Brings to mind two great quotes:
        "It's a trap!" --Admiral Ackbar
        "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt.
   
   
4. WHAT PARTY?
        Related. When, since high school (and high schoolers, if you're reading this, my heart goes out to you. It gets better.), did you get to hear ALL ABOUT THE RAGER OF A PARTY last weekend that ALL YOUR FRIENDS went to ... and you had no idea about because YOU WERE NOT INVITED and instead you stayed home watching Die Hard while doing a workout DVD.
        Oh - I know when: THE LAST TIME YOU CHECKED FACEBOOK.
   
   Actually, five reasons:
   
   
5. ELECTION YEAR.
        Echo chamber OR loony posts from people you never realized where so misguided. Need I say more?
   
   WHAT I ACTUALLY DID MISS:
        So. I'm back to Facebook, now. Aren't you so happy? And I think, despite my all-caps ranting, I'm in a healthier place. I try to Be Here Now. And not compare so much. My friends are pretty amazing, and that is pretty awesome. Period.
        And here's what I did miss: the minutia of my friends' every day lives. As well as the super cool things they're up to. And what I most missed: the very best thing about Facebook: how in one fell swoop, I can hear from my best friend from Kindergarten (that's you, Loop), my college housemate (holla, Wolpert), and my current across-the-street neighbors (what up, Wegerzyns?).